The Donkey Race

Just in case you were wondering who is in the arena thus far I’ve decided to offer an Ares-slanted analysis of the candidates that have declared. Kinda dumb to declare this early if you ask me, but it’s not my money.

Hillary Clinton. See previous post.

Barack Obama. By all appearances a pretty smart guy and one of the best orators to hit the scene in the past 20 years. Thus far he’s stayed away from bloody-edged partisanship, hope that lasts. As for actual skills it’s a pure wait and see game. After 7 years of Dubya we’re so elated by a politician that gives a good speech we’d follow him to a whorehouse in Tijuana just to hear what he had to say about it.

John Edwards. Because what this country needs is another lawyer in the White House. He comes off as kind of smarmy. And let’s face it, he’s too short. We don’t elect short presidents anymore.

Al Gore. I’m no Democratic Party strategist, but I think that’s been tried. Algore could put free basing meth addicts to sleep. Yes, I know he’s a good person because he cares about the environment. Decency doesn’t impress me nearly as much as competence. Little evidence in that department.

Joe Biden. Not a bad guy, aside from being a lifelong Washington political operator. I think we could use someone with experience that extends beyond the beltway. Hard pressed to think of anything off the top of my head that he’s done that’s been noteworthy.

John Kerry. Just announced he’s not going to run after all, much to the chagrin of the Republican Party. It’s rare that you get piñatas that large in political life.

Wesley Clark. Hard pressed to think of a single thing he’s done, ever. Makes me wonder if he’s overextended on his mortgage and needs a paying gig to make ends meet.

Denis Kucinich. Looks like a troll. If we don’t elect short presidents we sure as hell don’t elect trolls. If he were president we’d have tofu instead of meat in every school cafeteria. I think he’s a quiet Democratic version of Pat Buchanan.

Christopher Dodd. Who?

Tom Vilsack. Sounds too much like ball-sack. He could be FDR and JFK reincarnated but he’ll never get past his name.

Bill Richardson. The best qualified candidate that’s never going to get anywhere. Richardson has political street cred. He’s actually sat face to face with Kim “I’m so ronely” Jong Il and could probably get a handle on that mess. He’s been a governor for the past five years, and a good one at that. Also a former UN Ambassador from the mythological Clinton presidency, so he’s got global experience. A Spanish speaking Hispanic that’s actually done something about illegal immigration in his state. If we elected leaders based on competence instead of appearance and style he’d be the horse to put your money on.

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