A Little Dream Team

This entire web space is pretty much predicated on the concept that I have what you might call “too much free time in the head”. Today’s evidence of that was the mental exercise I engaged in while trying grind through a few miles on the treadmill. I think it’s pretty safe to say Obama currently holds the best shot at being the next president. The day after Election Day he would have to get down to the business of choosing Cabinet Secretaries. What follows is the mental exercise that started about mile 4 on today’s run. (Who else spends mental energy in this manner? Damn I’m damaged.)

Secretary of State: Tom Barnett. Read both of his books and see if you don’t agree. He’s a damned smart guy that isn’t just an academic hack. Generations of academic flunkies and political lap dogs are part of the reason for our current mess. He would need latitude to do some fumigation-style house cleaning at Foggy Bottom.

Secretary of the Treasury: Alan Greenspan. Smartest financial guy in any room. N’uff said.

Secretary of Defense: Nobody obvious jumps out, but John McCain wouldn’t be a bad choice. He would have street cred with the uniforms and he’s been known to bust defense contractor balls, something we need a lot of.

Attorney General: Rudy Giuliani. Rudy spent the bulk of his professional life as a federal prosecutor, so he knows where all the knobs and levers are in that particular box. He’s tough but sensible and has demonstrated a past pragmatism with respect to the law.

Secretary of the Interior: Al Gore. It would be worth it just to make the tree-huggers shut the f*** up. And if Al’s too good to take the job then he needs to shut his ill-informed cake hole henceforth.

Secretary of Agriculture: Brian Schweitzer. I know, who’s that? He’s the current governor of Montana. He started his life in agriculture before entering politics. He’s got a degree in agronomy and served in the Agriculture Department under Clinton.

Secretary of Commerce: This is where the thought exercise took a turn sideways. The Commerce Secretary’s portfolio needs to be transferred to the Treasury Secretary and the commerce position needs to become Secretary of Technology. What is more vital to our society: “Fostering and promoting foreign and domestic commerce” or information technology? The free market pretty much takes care of that whole commerce thing, with the occasional smackdown from the Justice Department. I’m a bit more worried about FBI agents that don’t have e-mail addresses or case management software and ICE computers that can’t “talk” to Justice computers. Cyber policy and direction is a bastard child that only gets held when it cries. Furthermore, since there simply aren’t truly qualified people for that kind of position at that level I advocate drafting people. No, not terribly kidding here. Folks like the CTO’s for Amazon, Ebay, etc. are the kind of people we need. Offer them a nice, juicy package to take the job and if that doesn’t work draft them. For the first go around I would nominate Mike Bloomberg. Mike made his billions in an IT-related discipline, has experience running a large, complex organization, and doesn’t owe anybody a damned thing.

Secretary of Labor: Nobody jumps out, but I defy you to name two past holders of that post. Yea, me neither. If you can’t readily name it the post probably doesn’t effect too much.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Wouldn’t squabble about anybody that actually had a degree in something medical and wasn’t just a campaign booster.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: I’ll advocate for anyone that asks to see a master plan for rebuilding New Orleans and won’t just throw money at it. See above Secretary of Labor entry for actual relevance to your life.

Secretary of Transportation: Truly does not matter. Professionals do air traffic control and investigate plan crashes. Secretary just keeps the chair warm and poses for pictures.

Secretary of Energy: Bill Richardson. Bill had the job before and wasn’t too bad at it. (“Wasn’t too bad” during the Clinton administration means he didn’t get indicted or investigated.) This post is going to be a big player in the coming years and it needs to be someone that isn’t from an agriculture state (read: ethanol).

Secretary of Education: Bill Cosby. Bill actually has an Ed. D. and brings some power to the gig. He’s a great American story. He also doesn’t owe anybody a damned thing and doesn’t have a bit of trouble speaking truth to power. Think about it, you know it makes sense.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Max Cleland. Another self-made man. He was administrator of the VA under Carter, so he was present at the creation, so to speak.

Secretary of Homeland Security: Mike Chertoff. I know, he’s currently got the gig. That agency sorely needs some long-term continuity to pull its head out. He’s trying to do the right thing in an environment where the right thing gets redefined on a daily basis. Besides, he’s pretty realistic about risk and resource allocation.

Mystery Dates:

UN Ambassador: Arnold Schwarzenegger. No, I’m not kidding on this one. He’s got worldwide recognition and star power. So what if he comes across as a political lightweight, so does the United Nations. The UN is really little more than political theater, so why not send an actor?

Postmaster General: Donald Trump. Because if there is one agency that needs to hear “You’re fired!” a lot it’s the f****** postal service.

Ambassador to Saudi Arabia: Cynthia McKinney. Take that, jihadi bastard. It solves a couple of problems, the first of which is getting her out of the country. She makes a good bargaining chip. “Lower the price of oil or we’ll build her a house over there.” Also, she’d have lots to discuss with them when it comes to that whole “Jewish World Domination” conspiracy crap.

Poet Laureate: Henry Rollins. I can dream, can’t I? He’s the only “poet” that manly men read. We’d just have to make sure they keep Solipsist out of the hands of teenagers.

Head Speech Writer for the President: Aaron Sorkin. N’uff said.

Wow, if you’ve read this far you’ve truly got nothing better to do. Or you’re on the clock and trying to look busy. Any further suggestions are welcome. I hope you’ve found this waste of your time both informative and non-annoying.

Ares