Open Up and Say Stupid

Today’s edition of the WTF Files comes to you from Lawrenceville, Georgia. An enterprising fellow decided to open his own dental practice….in his apartment. (No citation available, the Atlanta Urinal-Constipation puts their stuff behind a firewall. Deep thinkers, all of them.) Who needs certification when you’ve got desire in your heart? This story bothers me on two levels. First, who has a burning desire to stick their hands in other people’s mouths? That career pushing a broom just wasn’t enough, so he thought he’d really level up and pretend to be a dentist? But weirdness knows no bounds, so it’s not too difficult to believe.

The really, really disturbing part is how many people fell for the good ‘doctor’. I’m not sure how many there were, but one is too many. Let me walk you through the mental gymnastics that were required by the participants.

‘Doctor’: Welcome to my office.

‘Patient’: Isn’t this your apartment?

‘Doctor’: I’m just working out of here until my office is ready.

‘Patient’: Okay. Where is your office staff?

‘Doctor’: Uh…they’re at lunch. Have a seat in the chair.

‘Patient’: It’s 9:30 in the morning. Isn’t that a Lazy Boy?

‘Doctor’: I’m waiting on new furniture. Let's have a look in there.

‘Patient’: What’s that in your hand? Is that a screwdriver? Why do all of your dental tools say Craftsman on them?

‘Doctor’: Uh…Craftsman has a new line of dental tools.

‘Patient’: Don’t I get any anesthesia?

‘Doctor’: Sure. Take this.

‘Patient’: This is an aspirin.

‘Doctor’: Uh…yea. It also helps if you happen to have a heart attack.

And so on. Whoever this ‘doctor’ is I think he’s got a bright future in sales. Then again, DeKalb County will be looking for a new CEO next year. Gig probably pays better than being a fake dentist. Job comes with its own armored SUV and a phalanx of body guards. That should help when those pesky regulators start asking questions. And he couldn’t possibly be any worse than Vernon “We-Gotta-Darken-This-Place-Up” Jones.

Ares