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Sad news: TV pitchman Billy Mays is dead. On a brighter note, the family has said his organs will be donated. Call in the next 15 minutes and you get the second kidney or lung for free! In other news, police have announced there is now an APB out for the ShamWow! guy.

Ares

Jesse To The Rescue

Jesse Jackson: Family wants 2nd autopsy. Because every situation is improved upon with the arrival of Jesse Jackson. Nice to see he's found himself a gig after that whole "Wanna cut his nuts off" thing during the election. Stay classy there Jesse. Wonder if he'd be pitching in if Lenny Kravitz had kicked the bucket?

Ares

I Could Have Told Them

Just in case it was a mystery, website TripAdvisor did a survey in which Atlanta came in dead last of preferred destinations. In other news water is wet and the sky is blue. Of course, the Atlanta Convention and Visitors Bureau took issue. Nobody wants their house publicly referred to as a privy. I've got a comeback campaign slogan for the Atlanta Convetion & Vistors Bureau: "Yea it sucks but we're working on that piss smell".

Ares

Things You Already Know

You're well aware that gas prices are on course to follow last year's take-us-to-the-cleaners run. As Americans, we're all intimately familiar with getting screwed with out pants on. In the midst of this turd in a teapot gas price thing we get another in depth analysis from the news-flavored product factory called CNN. We'll set aside the obvious point that oil prices exist outside the economic laws of supply and demand. Apparently there is a third dimension:

"Considering that supply seems ample and demand is weak, the fact that oil is going up looks kind of weird," says Adam Sieminski, chief energy economist at Deutsche Bank. "But those factors are being overwhelmed by a huge sigh of relief that we're not going to have the Great Depression."

I see. The mere fact that people are exhaling forcefully has caused an increase in oil prices. Maybe, and I'm just spitballing here, the reason the entire system got crashed is because we let guys like Adam Sieminski craft apologist explanations for the largest corporations on the planet bleeding us like butchers. The article also says the U.S. economy is using 2.5 million few barrels per day this year than in 2009, but that actual fact can't complete with the force of a huge sigh of relief.

"Meanwhile, there are signs that a demand recovery could be on the way in Asia."

Actually, no, it's not. I keep hoping there are adults paying attention somewhere. For all my pseudo-anonymous ranting this actually a little important. If were are going to construct a future society that unplugs us from fossil fuel dependence there has to be time to actually construct it. Letting the corporate crack addicts continue to take a crowbar to our knees is another stitch in the coffin lining of that idea.

Ares

Sign Of The Times

Good piece on CNET about the utter lack of coverage on the major networks, especially CNN, of unrest in Iran. I sincerely believe it stems not from conspiracy but astounding incompetence. CNN is becoming to news what MTV has become to music: Not a content conduit but a culture delivery device.

Ares

It's Not Natural

Gay penguin dads in German zoo hatch their first chick. Not to worry, the voters of California will outlaw this soon. I'm certain that with the penguin's well-known powers of critical thinking and highly developed cerebellums they chose a homosexual lifestyle solely reap the benefits of minority status in penguin society. It's all a part of shoving the radical homosexual penguin agenda in our faces.

Ares

VeJo the Ho

Oh please oh please oh please. Vernon “VeJo” Jones has publicly dropped the clue that he's considering a run for governor of Georgia. There are few reasons why reading those words brought glee into my teeny, tiny heart. First, I no longer reside in Georgia so I'll be rolling in blooming fields of Schadenfreude. (Visualize the closing credits of Little House on the Prairie and you'll have the correct image of my mental state.) Second, you just don't get big, fat, juicy comedy pitches thrown right into the strike zone every day.

Vernon's real tragedy, his real lament in life, is that he didn't have a big enough kingdom to loot. He desperately wants to level up to where the big money and prizes reside. And before you reject the idea out of hand remember that Marion Berry was re-elected after being caught on video smoking crack. Cynthia McKinney got re-elected after acting like a crack head. With these stars to steer by, nothing is out of reach for VeJo. For those residing outside Dekalb County let me give you a visual of what life in Georgia would be like under VeJo: Imagine post-Katrina New Orleans only without the hurricane. Georgia under the current governorship of the feed salesman moves only as a result of inertia, not competence. VeJo would bring levels of graft and entropy difficult to comprehend. By reading the comments section of the AJC article this apparently isn't lost on potential voters.

So here's the official Ares and Athena prediction for VeJo: He'll fall flat in his run for governor. He'll bide his time and make a shot at the 4^th U.S. Congressional district. Given the 4th's voting record he's got a pretty good chance. He will not, however, fade from political life. He's too incompetent to hold an actual job and his ego will tolerate nothing less than a personal sequel. This will be fun to watch, from a distance.

Ares

Hummer Time

A frightful idea has crossed our bow. Seems a Chinese company may acquire GM's Hummer line. (Side thought: How far have you fallen as an industry when Fiat is considered your white knight?) This sends a shiver down my patriotic spine. What's next on our tour of domestic economic decay? Little Debbies made by Hezbollah? Omaha Steaks outsourcing to India? An F-16 assembly line in Syria? Jimmy Dean sausage moving to Mecca? First they came for the Hummers......

Ares

Congressional Birthday

Ares and Athena News Alert: Tuesday is International Whores Day. Celebrate appropriately by sending best wishes to your elected representatives.

Ares

Bacon Lives!

From Amazon's Al Dente blog. Hard to top this, so I'm just gonna re post it below. God bless America.

Bacon Maple Bar Saves Part-Time Vegetarian

by Martha Snodgrass on May 11, 2009

After a cleansing five-day intense yoga retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, where the menu is strictly vegetarian, I was feeling clean, strong, healthy, and in desperate need of protein. Figuring I'd be home around dinner time, I planned to continue my healthy streak with some tekka maki from my local sushi restaurant. But as the evening rush hour began to waylay our progress, and my carnivorous hunger began to kick-in, I thought I better sate my need before I started to eat my own fingernails. Fortunately for me, as we cruised through Portland, we happened past VooDoo Doughnuts, the home of the Bacon Maple Bar.

I was a little concerned about what this intense shot of sugar and fats would do to my thoroughly cleansed and hyper-relaxed system after nearly a week of a meat-free, low-fat, zero refined sugar diet. I also had to consider that I still had five non-stop hours in the back of a small car to go (making intestinal distress disastrous).

Once we entered Voodoo Doughnuts, a Pepto-Bismol pink former Denny's restaurant, I searched the display case and there past the Voodoo doughnut dolls (which come complete with frosting-painted grimace and pretzel voodoo pin impaling their little doughy hearts), vegan doughnuts (exactly NOT what I needed), doughnuts covered with Coco Puffs and Captain Crunch, I saw one maple bar topped with two strips of crispy bacon. Hunger and nutritional need drove me to pull out my wallet.

Now, my aesthetic sensibilities started to kick in and I noticed the bacon fat had cooled, congealed, and turned white. Suddenly I lost my appetite. I think it was CJ, the most experimental of our quintet that dove in for the first bite. After seeing the satisfied roll of her eyes, my curiosity overwhelmed my hesitation and I dug in. It was pure syrupy pancake and bacon bliss. This was the breakfast I'd yearned for each morning I'd woken up to tempeh and eggs.

While I wouldn't recommend making a trip cross-country for this doughnut, if you find yourself in Portland, it's definitely worth a five-minute trip out of your way to try it. Also, if you happen to be at breakfast with all the makings nearby, drop a strip of warm bacon on a maple bar and you'll have an even fresher experience than mine.

Ares note: Gotta go, on my way to Portland.

They're Baaaaack!

Simplicity Itself

As usual in life, the best solutions are the ones that are the least complicated. With that in mind I came across the following idea today, posted a blog whose name I've since forgotten. Sheer genius.

Dear Mr. President:

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They have to retire.

A· Forty million job openings.

B. Unemployment fixed.

2) They have to buy a new American CAR.

A· Forty million cars ordered.

B. Auto Industry fixed.

3) They have to either buy a house or pay off their mortgage.

A· Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!

Ares

Who Needs A Warm Up?

Here's something that makes pandemics and global warming feel good by comparison. Seems Russia is going to build floating nuclear reactors above the Arctic Circle. There is so much wrong here I don't know where to begin. Russians operating nuclear reactors gives me apocalypse nightmares. Add the word "floating" to the descriptor and I want to stock up on canned goods and iodine. Now let's throw in the possibility of a China Syndrome in the Arctic ice and it's a perfect Book of Revelation stew. Here are words I never thought would cross my keyboard: I wish to god they had a Sierra Club chapter in Russia.

Ares

Big Goodbye

Another installment of the Vay Con Dios Files. J.G. Ballard, who lived large in genre that was eventually labeled Transgressive Fiction, has gone to the great beyond. I supposed I would write a lot of f'ed up fiction too if my childhood had been like his. The movie and novel Empire of the Sun is based on his experiences as a child in a Japanese prison camp during the second world war. Aside from Empire of the Sun, a select few weirdos in this world are familiar with his book Crash, which is about car crash fetishists. I won't begin to explain that one. He definately slaughtered a lot of the sacred cows of fiction (and normalcy for that matter) and paved the way for the Chuck Palahniuks and Trent Reznors of this world. Adios amigo, it was weird knowing you.

Ares

Hopefully We're All Going To Die

Let the salivation begin. Pavlov has rung the bell and on cue the media outlets have begun to drool. There's a multi-national disease outbreak in the larval stages. Death and suffering that's photogenic soon to follow. “Flu outbreak could become pandemic” proclaims my local rag in that same voice that teenagers hoping to get laid use. Act I is people wearing surgical masks in public. Act II will be hospital shots and government press conferences. Some network, somewhere, will show the movie Outbreak before next week is out. My spam inbox will start piling up ads for antibiotics. Never mind that this particular organism has a very low mortality rate. Disregard that over 36,000 people die every year in this country from regular old fashion flu. Twice that many die from hospital screw ups. The rational medical professionals will get very little face time in the coming weeks. Reason, logic, and facts don't make for good numbers. Instead of specialists we'll get journalists that have written books providing prediction.

My favorite quote thus far: “How quickly can Swine Flu make you sick? About 90 minutes of CNN should do it.” Second favorite: “The virus does not travel at the speed of Tweet.” I'd love to sit here and pontificate some more but I've got canned goods to stockpile and money to hide in a mattress.

Ares

Tea

I have to admit I'm having fun watching people debate about what the debate means with regard to the Tea Parties. Because if there is one thing Americans are good at, it's talking about thinking about how the conversation is going. On the one hand you have legions of people that have only in the last 4 months found their voice about government spending, as if it all began in the middle of January. On the other hand you have people that six months ago were saying dissent is the highest form of patriotism, now rummaging through their Thesaurus to find new derisive descriptors. Running through all of this you have the media (sans Fox) conspicuously either avoiding coverage or deriding protesters. Anderson Cooper's indulgence in teabagging references dug the credibility hole even deeper. And as over half a million people protested on April 15th the New York Times did it's Marcel Marceau impression. Somebody tell the Gray Lady she ain't wearing any clothes.

I'm not pimping for either side here. I think everyone here is sufficiently infused with enough bullshit to strain credibility. The bigger worry is that with every corner of the national discourse propping itself up on foundations of sarcasm, hyperbole, and worst-case-scenarios how are we going to recognize authentic truths when they make an appearance?

Ares

Crack and Taxes

Brief aside here. Just read that former D.C. mayor and professional victim Marion the-bitch-set-me-up Barry owes $277,000 in back taxes. My first and last question is this: How does a city councilman that's legit make enough money to owe that much in taxes to begin with. Something tells me that crack smoking aside I made some wrong decisions about careers.

Ares

Tasmanian Devil Tuesday

Thought we'd change it up a bit.

Athena here: we loves 'em, truly, but is that thing wearing a diaper?

Marmot Monday