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Sad news: TV pitchman Billy Mays is dead. On a brighter note, the family has said his organs will be donated. Call in the next 15 minutes and you get the second kidney or lung for free! In other news, police have announced there is now an APB out for the ShamWow! guy.

Ares

Jesse To The Rescue

Jesse Jackson: Family wants 2nd autopsy. Because every situation is improved upon with the arrival of Jesse Jackson. Nice to see he's found himself a gig after that whole "Wanna cut his nuts off" thing during the election. Stay classy there Jesse. Wonder if he'd be pitching in if Lenny Kravitz had kicked the bucket?

Ares

I Could Have Told Them

Just in case it was a mystery, website TripAdvisor did a survey in which Atlanta came in dead last of preferred destinations. In other news water is wet and the sky is blue. Of course, the Atlanta Convention and Visitors Bureau took issue. Nobody wants their house publicly referred to as a privy. I've got a comeback campaign slogan for the Atlanta Convetion & Vistors Bureau: "Yea it sucks but we're working on that piss smell".

Ares

Things You Already Know

You're well aware that gas prices are on course to follow last year's take-us-to-the-cleaners run. As Americans, we're all intimately familiar with getting screwed with out pants on. In the midst of this turd in a teapot gas price thing we get another in depth analysis from the news-flavored product factory called CNN. We'll set aside the obvious point that oil prices exist outside the economic laws of supply and demand. Apparently there is a third dimension:

"Considering that supply seems ample and demand is weak, the fact that oil is going up looks kind of weird," says Adam Sieminski, chief energy economist at Deutsche Bank. "But those factors are being overwhelmed by a huge sigh of relief that we're not going to have the Great Depression."

I see. The mere fact that people are exhaling forcefully has caused an increase in oil prices. Maybe, and I'm just spitballing here, the reason the entire system got crashed is because we let guys like Adam Sieminski craft apologist explanations for the largest corporations on the planet bleeding us like butchers. The article also says the U.S. economy is using 2.5 million few barrels per day this year than in 2009, but that actual fact can't complete with the force of a huge sigh of relief.

"Meanwhile, there are signs that a demand recovery could be on the way in Asia."

Actually, no, it's not. I keep hoping there are adults paying attention somewhere. For all my pseudo-anonymous ranting this actually a little important. If were are going to construct a future society that unplugs us from fossil fuel dependence there has to be time to actually construct it. Letting the corporate crack addicts continue to take a crowbar to our knees is another stitch in the coffin lining of that idea.

Ares

Sign Of The Times

Good piece on CNET about the utter lack of coverage on the major networks, especially CNN, of unrest in Iran. I sincerely believe it stems not from conspiracy but astounding incompetence. CNN is becoming to news what MTV has become to music: Not a content conduit but a culture delivery device.

Ares

It's Not Natural

Gay penguin dads in German zoo hatch their first chick. Not to worry, the voters of California will outlaw this soon. I'm certain that with the penguin's well-known powers of critical thinking and highly developed cerebellums they chose a homosexual lifestyle solely reap the benefits of minority status in penguin society. It's all a part of shoving the radical homosexual penguin agenda in our faces.

Ares

VeJo the Ho

Oh please oh please oh please. Vernon “VeJo” Jones has publicly dropped the clue that he's considering a run for governor of Georgia. There are few reasons why reading those words brought glee into my teeny, tiny heart. First, I no longer reside in Georgia so I'll be rolling in blooming fields of Schadenfreude. (Visualize the closing credits of Little House on the Prairie and you'll have the correct image of my mental state.) Second, you just don't get big, fat, juicy comedy pitches thrown right into the strike zone every day.

Vernon's real tragedy, his real lament in life, is that he didn't have a big enough kingdom to loot. He desperately wants to level up to where the big money and prizes reside. And before you reject the idea out of hand remember that Marion Berry was re-elected after being caught on video smoking crack. Cynthia McKinney got re-elected after acting like a crack head. With these stars to steer by, nothing is out of reach for VeJo. For those residing outside Dekalb County let me give you a visual of what life in Georgia would be like under VeJo: Imagine post-Katrina New Orleans only without the hurricane. Georgia under the current governorship of the feed salesman moves only as a result of inertia, not competence. VeJo would bring levels of graft and entropy difficult to comprehend. By reading the comments section of the AJC article this apparently isn't lost on potential voters.

So here's the official Ares and Athena prediction for VeJo: He'll fall flat in his run for governor. He'll bide his time and make a shot at the 4^th U.S. Congressional district. Given the 4th's voting record he's got a pretty good chance. He will not, however, fade from political life. He's too incompetent to hold an actual job and his ego will tolerate nothing less than a personal sequel. This will be fun to watch, from a distance.

Ares

Hummer Time

A frightful idea has crossed our bow. Seems a Chinese company may acquire GM's Hummer line. (Side thought: How far have you fallen as an industry when Fiat is considered your white knight?) This sends a shiver down my patriotic spine. What's next on our tour of domestic economic decay? Little Debbies made by Hezbollah? Omaha Steaks outsourcing to India? An F-16 assembly line in Syria? Jimmy Dean sausage moving to Mecca? First they came for the Hummers......

Ares

Congressional Birthday

Ares and Athena News Alert: Tuesday is International Whores Day. Celebrate appropriately by sending best wishes to your elected representatives.

Ares